Tony Blews

Oh, here we go again. My favourite newspaper is off on one again. At the expense of the Germans, again.

See here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3651181/Study-reveals-fifth-of-UK-have-German-blood.html

And, as usual they can’t get their facts right.

Note, as you read the web page, the title text (thats the bit on your browser’s top bar): “Study reveals fifth of UK have German blood”.

Now read the second paragraph of the article: “Geneticists claim HALF of Brits could have German blood in them”.

So… one fifth DO, but a half COULD?

And then: “Supported by archaeological studies on teeth and enamel, experts have concluded that 50 per cent of Brits have some German in their genetic make-up.”

Oh for fucks sake, make your mind up. Is it 50% could be, 50% are, or 20% are? These are the sort of things that the average retard in the street needs to know. (For example, the sort of retard that attends an English Defence League rally in Cardiff).

Anyway, The Sun follows this up with a “Quiz”, which is borderline racist.

For example:

When you see a sun lounger by a hotel pool do you…

• A. Have a lie down and order a nice cold lager.
• B. Leave it for now… it’s far too early to think about sunbathing.
• C. Put a towel on it. Immediately.

Ignoring the lack of correct punctuation, they might as well have asked:

Are you Welsh? You see a sheep in a field, do you?

• A. Think nothing of it. Sheep live in fields
• B. Consider having lamp chops for tea
• C. Shag it senseless.

Here is a simple way to test if you have German blood:

Do you have blonde hair?

• Yes: Almost certainly you are partly of Anglo-Saxon descent, therefore you are a bit German.
• No: Don’t kid yourself. Unless your family have repeatedly interbred for the last millennium and a half, then the chances are that you have at least some Germanic DNA.

As I’m now struggling to find an end to this, I’ll just do what The Sun did and compare good and bad things about Germany and Germans (from my personal perspective):

• Bad: Frankfurt Airport (Arrivals),  iTT (specifically the bloke who sacked me from Teleride), Mk 1 VW Golfs with oil leaks, 1984 BMW 3 Series that break down the day after you buy them.
• Good: The utterly indestructible Mk3 VW Golf, the two half-Germans that I work with, Frankfurt Airport (Departures), Ford Sierra with the Cologne V6 engine, its a great language to pretend to know if you want to shout incomprehensively at someone.

At last! Someone is supporting my “drive the distance to the moon and back” idea!
The website thempg.co.uk have offered to promote the idea. Sadly Ford haven’t replied to my various emails, likewise the various fuel companies that I’ve contacted.
I’ve had a few volunteers for the plan, but nobody can commit to the full expedition.
So, here is a revised idea:

• Acquire a used  car or van from some fleet or hire company (not a Picasso!)
• Assemble a team of drivers and work out a schedule to keep said vehicle moving 23 hours a day
• Convince an insurance company to provide cover for nothing
• Blag fuel from some company who need good publicity (BP?)
• Blag free breakdown cover
• Do the thing for charity
• Get free pasties from Ginsters (not a requirement, just a way of feeding my addiction)

Any thoughts?

So, the showrunner of Doctor Who has apparently “ranted” about fans spoiling the series by leaking plot elements.

Here is the BBC coverage…

So.
Only two things wrong with that:

• That isn’t a rant. I know enough Scottish people to know a rant when I hear one. In the lexicon of Scotland, that was just a minor complaint. I’ve heard Scots more angry about Tesco running out of milk.
• What the the fusk was that git thinking when he decided to do that to his hair?

There are two things which run as constants through my life:  overblown plans that are doomed to failure, and really shit vehicles.

So, why not combine the two? Why not try to take a crappy 50cc bike from one end of Great Britain to the other?

Has it been done before? I don’t know. I don’t really care. Could it be done? Maybe. What would it involve? Well…

Obviously a 50cc moped. To maintain the spirit of the idea it couldn’t possibly be a good moped (such as an Aprilia), but would need to be a “step-thru” such as either a Honda Cub (or equivalent), Honda Melody, or even an old Puch.

Some form of support vehicle would be needed, ideally something Transit sized (to cart the ‘ped down to Cornwall in the first place, and afterwards to provide overnight kipping space). And obviously a driver.

I can’t even guess at fuel costs, as knackered old mopeds aren’t listed on the fuel economy sites, but I don’t think it would be that high.

Is anyone interested?

Yesterday, The Sun published a story entitled  “Countdown conundbum“. No only is that an all-time low for The Sun’s in-house punning division, it is also a story which carried all the hallmarks of Sun Bullshit.

I’m selecting parts of the article here just to highlight journalistic bullshit. Should News International wish to take action against me, well let us just say that they know my address and leave it at that.

Anyway:

She was stunned when the jumbled letters SHAHSITED clicked over to reveal the swear word.

Stunned? Really? I would have been mildy amused.

Angry Victoria, 30, said yesterday: “I couldn’t believe my eyes as the word was slowly unveiled as an obscene insult.

Firstly, I’ll tackle “Angry”. Was she really angry? Mildly annoyed? Quite bothered? Only she can tell you that.

Next, does “shithead” count as an obscene insult? I think not. The girl in the bank said “shit” when she dropped a bundle of notes last week. Sean Connery said it in Highlander II, so it must be OK. (This is possibly the only time I will acknowledge the existance of Highlander II).

“Oliver is a really bright kid … he was already asking what the word meant   …  my husband Daniel had to rush him out of the room.”

Yeah, because turning the television off was too difficult.

Channel 4 declined to comment yesterday, as did the company who make the game, Koch. Nintendo also would not comment.

Did you actually bother asking them? Probably not. But you do have a history of that, don’t you?

Anyway, was the mother really “outraged” as The Sun headline claims? For what is “outrage”? Well…

1. An act of extreme violence or viciousness.
2. An act grossly offensive to decency, morality, or good taste.
3. A deplorable insult.
4. Resentful anger aroused by a violent or offensive act.

Was mother Victoria carrying a professional quality digital SLR and lighting rig when she spotted this game-based swearyness? She must have been, to be able to take that photo (in the short time before she hustled little Oliver out of the room and back into his secure bunker). Obviously she didn’t have time to clean the shitty fingerprints from the front of the telly.

Or, is that photograph a set-up job? How long would it take to get the same word to show up in the game again?

Clearly the picture has been altered (to blur out the alleged “offensive” bits), but the image on the CRT screen is genuine. So, how can this be?

Well, either the game shows the word “SHITHEADS” every time a News International employee is nearby, or the screen is showing a doctored image displayed from some hack’s laptop.

A ten minute job with Photoshop and a screen grab. Get me a copy of the game and the console hardware and I’ll show you how.

Faking countdown has been done before: see this.

Anyway, who are the “SHITHEADS” here, Nintendo et al, or The Sun?

My money is on The Sun.

Addendum: I’m blocked from commenting on The Sun site now.