Rumour has it that born-again biker Eddy Fox borrows an aging Ford Scorpio to do
his shopping. He sets off for the nearest big town, and purchases an aquarium
and some battery powered christmas lights.
On the way back he is spotted by the police having a smoke while driving,
resulting in a medium speed chase which ends with the Scorpio being crashed and
the aquarium (which is now full of flashing fairy lights) suffering damage.
Fox staggers into the Woolpack, chased by heavily armed riot police (in full helmet and stab vest regalia).
Shots are fired, and most of the Woolpack customers fall to the ground. The
camera zooms in on Eddy’s face. A shot is heard. Fade to black.
This is how British Leyland should have advertised the Marina, if they’d had any sense (apart from the end bit, obviously).
Actually, if they’d had any sense they wouldn’t have made the car. Or had a plug-hole as their corporate logo, neatly predicting where the company was heading.
Advertising is clearly going to hell. Have a look at these examples.
Firstly we have Exhibit A – Kelloggs Coco Pops Moon and Stars:
At around the 15 second mark we have 2 astronauts rocking on a giant turd, and at 22 seconds we have milky fluid shooting at a brown star. What indeed does go on in that bowl? All I know is, last time I saw anything like that in a bowl, it was the morning after a Chicken Jalfrezi.
Now, lets look at Exhibit B – Gaviscon:
Clearly, this advert is telling us that the only cure for heartburn is to have a fireman (complete with a 70s Germanic porn-tache) shoot down your throat. Clearly an unsafe practice. One can only assume that she turns the music up at the end to hide her screams of “Oh no, I’ve just blown off the entire of Blue Watch!”
And finally, for now, Exhibit C – Subway:
And just what is his pocket doing to him when not dragging him into crap fast food places?
Once again I’ve received a threat letter from the TV Licensing people.
This one includes the phrases: “immediate action”, “intended prosecution”, “enforcement officer”, “criminal offence”, and “legal proceedings”.
They are threatening to visit me with a view to prosecution. Well I hope that they do. Then they would see that my old TV is currently on its side acting as a printer stand, and that I have (and this is going to be in capitals, for emphasis) NO WORKING TELEVISION RECEIVING EQUIPMENT!
Seven ‘phone calls and three letters and they still won’t listen.
So, why do they think I have a telly? Because I bought, from those ####ers at PC World, a Composite Video input USB dongle. And the ####s at PissyWorld count that as a TV recieving device.
Ok, so it really is my own fault for shopping at PissyWorld, but “Demanding Money With Menaces” is still a criminal offense, as is Extortion.
Actually, I can’t wait for these ####s to take me to court.
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