Tony Blews

In 1998 Claudia Schiffer made an advert for the excrable Citroen Xsara. The car, although bad in every respect, was only the second worst Citroen of recent years. That dubious honour goes to the Xsara Picasso.

The Picasso is one of only two cars that I completely refuse to drive (I’ll reveal the other one in the future). To celebrate the removal of the Picasso from the Citroen UK catalogue I present a badly thought out and poorly executed video:

Anyway, why would a German supermodel want to be associated with a shite French saloon car (apart from the cash – £3,000,000 allegedly)? Surely she’d have been better off whoring herself for the benefit of BMW or Mercedes?

This is how British Leyland should have advertised the Marina, if they’d had any sense (apart from the end bit, obviously).

Actually, if they’d had any sense they wouldn’t have made the car. Or had a plug-hole as their corporate logo, neatly predicting where the company was heading.

Advertising is clearly going to hell. Have a look at these examples.

Firstly we have Exhibit A – Kelloggs Coco Pops Moon and Stars:

At around the 15 second mark we have 2 astronauts rocking on a giant turd, and at 22 seconds we have milky fluid shooting at a brown star. What indeed does go on in that bowl? All I know is, last time I saw anything like that in a bowl, it was the morning after a Chicken Jalfrezi.

Now, lets look at Exhibit B – Gaviscon:

Clearly, this advert is telling us that the only cure for heartburn is to have a fireman (complete with a 70s Germanic porn-tache) shoot down your throat. Clearly an unsafe practice. One can only assume that she turns the music up at the end to hide her screams of  “Oh no, I’ve just blown off the entire of Blue Watch!”

And finally, for now, Exhibit C – Subway:

And just what is his pocket doing to him when not dragging him into crap fast food places?

A while ago, as a result of a drunken conversation about how all advertising was rubbish and even a monkey could come up with workable ideas, I made this thing. Then lost it.

Now I’ve found it again.

Did Hello magazine ever use such an obvious idea? Or Heat? I don’t know. But if they do, I want a cheque.