Tony Blews

Advertising is clearly going to hell. Have a look at these examples.

Firstly we have Exhibit A – Kelloggs Coco Pops Moon and Stars:

At around the 15 second mark we have 2 astronauts rocking on a giant turd, and at 22 seconds we have milky fluid shooting at a brown star. What indeed does go on in that bowl? All I know is, last time I saw anything like that in a bowl, it was the morning after a Chicken Jalfrezi.

Now, lets look at Exhibit B – Gaviscon:

Clearly, this advert is telling us that the only cure for heartburn is to have a fireman (complete with a 70s Germanic porn-tache) shoot down your throat. Clearly an unsafe practice. One can only assume that she turns the music up at the end to hide her screams of  “Oh no, I’ve just blown off the entire of Blue Watch!”

And finally, for now, Exhibit C – Subway:

And just what is his pocket doing to him when not dragging him into crap fast food places?

Does standing in a newsagent’s shop and reading a magazine, and then not buying it, constitute theft (in a very small way)?

Should, therefore, the likes of W.H.Smith’s have the right to remove any information you’ve gleaned from you brain as you leave the shop?

Dear W.H.Smith,

I have a power drill, and will perform lobotomies for free.

Yours etc.

Tony.

Nothing annoys me more* than having to push past “free readers” to get to my copy of Cat Torturer Monthly.

*Actually that is a lie. A lot of things annoy me more. French cars, for example.

I’m predicting the big panic story for next year:

Apparently, Bird Flu didn’t scare us enough, so now we have Pig Flu. I’m terrified.

According to the symptoms listed on this picture from Wikipedia, I’ve been suffering from Swine Influenza since about 2002.

Many, many years ago, February 24th 2001 to be exact, I theorised to a Mr. Joel Veitch, of Rathergood.com, that you could summon a demon by masturbating on to your own faeces. Ok, so I stole this idea from a Clive Barker book, and neglected to mention that you must use your invisible psychic arm. Joel adopted me as his god, which is good. Sadly, in recent years, the quality of worship has declined. So it really serves him right that this has happened:

See the original page here