Tony Blews

We all know that cats are evil, but has it ever been mathematically and scientifically proved?

If one needs to take care of a cat, one needs both time and money.

But, as Benjamin Franklin told us, Time is Money. Therefore:

Thus:

In the Bible  (Timothy 6:10), we are told that “the love of money is the root of all evil”, hence:

Which give us:

Or, in other words:

But, as squares and roots cancel each other out…

Hence, without a shadow of a doubt:

So, I’ve proved that Crewe is a Gateway to Hell, and that Cats Are Evil. What obviousity should I try next?

(Tom the Cat owns my sister. He is, sadly, on Facebook. Be his friend.)

Since I was born, back in 1971, there have been 39 Christmas Number Once Singles. Most have been crap.

Looking the list of Wikipedia,  we can see some interesting trends.

Throughout the 1970s, odd numbered years gave us good songs:

• 1971 – Benny Hill – Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)
• 1973 – Slade – Merry Christmas Everybody
• 1975 – Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
• 1977 – Wings – Mull of Kintyre
• 1979 – Pink Floyd – Another Brck in the Wall (Part 2)

Whereas the even numbered years gave us unlistenable dross:

• 1972 – Jimmy Osmond – Long Haired Lover From Liverpool
• 1974 – Mud – Lonely This Christmas
• 1976 – Johnny Mathis – When A Child Is Born (Soleado)
• 1978 -  Boney M – Mary’s Boy Child/Oh My Lord

Moving on to the 1980s, only one diamond shines out from the turd bucket of music. The 1981 classic “Don’t You Want Me Baby” by The Human League, which, lest ye forget,  had a video featuring a Preston registered Rover SD1 (which allegedly once belonged to my sister’s neighbour).

The 1990s fare little better, with only the re-release of “Bohemian Rhapsody” (double A-sided with the excellent “These Are They Days Of Our Lives”) soaring high above a sea of arse-gravy. Interestingly (or maybe not), this was the last single I ever bought on vinyl.

Which brings us sadly on to the 21st Century, which has just produced shitbomb after shitbomb after shitbomb.

I’ve had this idea for a Sci-Fi film. I’d appreciate any feedback.

In some colony, somewhere, a psychic thinks that his home is in danger of imminent destruction. Failing to convince the colony leaders, he flees, despite the guards of the colony, along with his brother and some other like minded people.

The travellers find themselves following the leadership of someone who was formerly considered to be a non-entity. They travel through dangerous territory, with two former warriors as their only protection.

They encounter many hazards, including an apparent Paradise, which soon turns out to be a breeding facility where people are culled and eaten.

The psychic’s visions promise a safe place in which to settle, and the group eventually find their new home, an ideal location to set up their new colony. They are soon reunited with two people from their original home who reveal that the psychic’s vision was true and their home was destroyed.

While the new colony seems idyllic, it is soon realised that there is a shortage of females, thus threatening to one day make the colony untenable.

With the help of an unexpected ally, they locate a nearby colony, which is overcrowded and has a surfeit of females.  A mission is sent to contact the colony.

While waiting for the group to return, oneof the former warriors makes a reconnaissance trip to a second colony.

They discover that there are females at the second colony and, against the advice of the clairvoyant, gather a raiding party to attempt to bring them to them. On the return journey the leader suffers a serious injury. It is a wound that will never truly heal.The leader and his second bring back the tidings to the colony, setting the stage for an adventurous and daring raid. The leader and one of the retired soldiers, along with a group of four others, venture out to the other colony and bring the captives back. They return with two females.

The emissary returns from the first colony and learn that it is a tyrannical police state. The diplomatic party barely return alive. However, the group does manage to identify a female who wants to leave the colony and can recruit others to join. They devise a plan to rescue the group from the colony. The escapees start their new life , but soon an army arrives to attack. Through the bravery and loyalty of one of the retired warriors and the ingenuity of the leader, they prevail. The fate of the enemy leader is not exactly clear, but he is never again seen or heard of.

So… how long did it take you to work out that you were reading an  edited version of “Watership Down”?

Hmmm

Want to wipe your soiled rectum on an England flag? How about this:

Yes, you can now buy a roll of St. George flags for anus wiping.

Who the shitting Science* thought this would be a good idea?

Anyway, get them from play.com, if you really want to.

(The play.com domain name is registered from the island of Jersey. The Admin contact is UK based, but the Tech contact is in France.)

*oh go find the South Park episode.

Oh dear, The Sun must be at the barrel scraping stage if they fall for lame rubbish such as this:

(See the story at http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2960673/Ghostly-figure-of-a-weeping-girl-in-mirror-of-hotel-room.html)

This little girl gets about a bit. Sometimes she appears in kitchen door glass (http://www.ghostsandstories.com/little-girl-ghost.html).

But this is hardly surprising considering this iPhone App: http://www.appstorehq.com/ghostcapture-iphone-79452/app

But it isn’t just the outrageous fakery that annoys me. Just read the story for all the signs of Sun Bullshit:

• Unidentified guests
• Unidentified spokesman
• Random words in BOLD CAPITALS

Honestly, if they want some made-up bullshit they should contact me. A copy of my CV should proove fictional enough for them.