It does look, however, as if the night elf is about to shoot the worgen in the back of the head.

Sex and drugs and rock and roll, Is all my brain and body need

And from this we can assume:

Need = Sex + Drugs + Rock + Roll

But, as the band Argent (not Kiss, no matter what their fan’s think) informed us:

God Gave Rock And Roll To You

As there is no God (my opinion, possibly not yours), the alleged deity could not possibly provide neither Rock, nor Roll. Therefore they cannot exist in this context. Hence:

Need = Sex + Drugs +0 + 0

Thus

Need = Sex + Drugs

Which seems a pretty solid mathematical proof for shagging and taking drugs.

As Mick Shrimpton, the former fictional drummer of Spinal Tap once said:

As long as there’s, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.

See here: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/3651181/Study-reveals-fifth-of-UK-have-German-blood.html

And, as usual they can’t get their facts right.

Note, as you read the web page, the title text (thats the bit on your browser’s top bar): “Study reveals fifth of UK have German blood”.

Now read the second paragraph of the article: “Geneticists claim HALF of Brits could have German blood in them”.

So… one fifth DO, but a half COULD?

And then: “Supported by archaeological studies on teeth and enamel, experts have concluded that 50 per cent of Brits have some German in their genetic make-up.”

Oh for fucks sake, make your mind up. Is it 50% could be, 50% are, or 20% are? These are the sort of things that the average retard in the street needs to know. (For example, the sort of retard that attends an English Defence League rally in Cardiff).

Anyway, The Sun follows this up with a “Quiz”, which is borderline racist.

For example:

When you see a sun lounger by a hotel pool do you…

• A. Have a lie down and order a nice cold lager.
• B. Leave it for now… it’s far too early to think about sunbathing.
• C. Put a towel on it. Immediately.

Ignoring the lack of correct punctuation, they might as well have asked:

Are you Welsh? You see a sheep in a field, do you?

• A. Think nothing of it. Sheep live in fields
• B. Consider having lamp chops for tea
• C. Shag it senseless.

Here is a simple way to test if you have German blood:

Do you have blonde hair?

• Yes: Almost certainly you are partly of Anglo-Saxon descent, therefore you are a bit German.
• No: Don’t kid yourself. Unless your family have repeatedly interbred for the last millennium and a half, then the chances are that you have at least some Germanic DNA.

As I’m now struggling to find an end to this, I’ll just do what The Sun did and compare good and bad things about Germany and Germans (from my personal perspective):

• Bad: Frankfurt Airport (Arrivals),  iTT (specifically the bloke who sacked me from Teleride), Mk 1 VW Golfs with oil leaks, 1984 BMW 3 Series that break down the day after you buy them.
• Good: The utterly indestructible Mk3 VW Golf, the two half-Germans that I work with, Frankfurt Airport (Departures), Ford Sierra with the Cologne V6 engine, its a great language to pretend to know if you want to shout incomprehensively at someone.

I’m selecting parts of the article here just to highlight journalistic bullshit. Should News International wish to take action against me, well let us just say that they know my address and leave it at that.

Anyway:

She was stunned when the jumbled letters SHAHSITED clicked over to reveal the swear word.

Stunned? Really? I would have been mildy amused.

Angry Victoria, 30, said yesterday: “I couldn’t believe my eyes as the word was slowly unveiled as an obscene insult.

Firstly, I’ll tackle “Angry”. Was she really angry? Mildly annoyed? Quite bothered? Only she can tell you that.

Next, does “shithead” count as an obscene insult? I think not. The girl in the bank said “shit” when she dropped a bundle of notes last week. Sean Connery said it in Highlander II, so it must be OK. (This is possibly the only time I will acknowledge the existance of Highlander II).

“Oliver is a really bright kid … he was already asking what the word meant   …  my husband Daniel had to rush him out of the room.”

Yeah, because turning the television off was too difficult.

Channel 4 declined to comment yesterday, as did the company who make the game, Koch. Nintendo also would not comment.

Did you actually bother asking them? Probably not. But you do have a history of that, don’t you?

Anyway, was the mother really “outraged” as The Sun headline claims? For what is “outrage”? Well…

1. An act of extreme violence or viciousness.
2. An act grossly offensive to decency, morality, or good taste.
3. A deplorable insult.
4. Resentful anger aroused by a violent or offensive act.

Was mother Victoria carrying a professional quality digital SLR and lighting rig when she spotted this game-based swearyness? She must have been, to be able to take that photo (in the short time before she hustled little Oliver out of the room and back into his secure bunker). Obviously she didn’t have time to clean the shitty fingerprints from the front of the telly.

Or, is that photograph a set-up job? How long would it take to get the same word to show up in the game again?

Clearly the picture has been altered (to blur out the alleged “offensive” bits), but the image on the CRT screen is genuine. So, how can this be?

Well, either the game shows the word “SHITHEADS” every time a News International employee is nearby, or the screen is showing a doctored image displayed from some hack’s laptop.

A ten minute job with Photoshop and a screen grab. Get me a copy of the game and the console hardware and I’ll show you how.

Faking countdown has been done before: see this.

Anyway, who are the “SHITHEADS” here, Nintendo et al, or The Sun?

My money is on The Sun.

Addendum: I’m blocked from commenting on The Sun site now.

Artist's Impression, Obviously.

A few years ago, when I actually drove a taxi instead of shouting a lot a those that do the driving, I was sitting behind the wheel of a six year old Mondeo when i noticed that it had nearly 475,000 miles on the clock. I remember thinking that it was roughly the average distance to the moon and back (238,857 miles each way, so 477714 for a return trip – not bad guessing for a taxi driver). For simplicity I’ll round this to 475,000.

Thinking back on it now, how much would it cost to drive “to the moon and back” in a Mondeo, and how long would it take?

Price wise, looking at a factory new Mondeo (Estate – Edge – 2.0 Duratec 145ps – Durashift 5-Speed Manual), you’re looking at £19,445.00, without the various “on the road” extras such as numberplates, VAT and road tax (stuff that should be included in the price, but aren’t).  So let us call it about £25,000 including air fresheners)

(Source: Ford Mondeo Configurator)

A quick search tells us that the car will give an “extra-urban” 37.7.mpg. I think the moon counts as “extra-urban”. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll round this to 40mpg.

(Source: www.thempg.co.uk)

475,000 miles in such a Mondeo would thus require about 11,875 gallons of fuel, or approximately 53,984 litres. How about 54,000 for rounding’s sake?

(Source: Liquid Conversions)

With the 70 litre tank, this would require nearly 772 fill-ups (from empty to full), and at today’s prices (£1.29.9 p/l), £70,200.  I think we’ll call that Seventy Grand, and round things down for a change.

(Sources: Mondeo Estate Handbook and WhatGas – based on the Tesco  by my house at the time of posting).

Of course, I’m not taking such things as wear-and-tear into these calculations, as you can never tell when something will go suddenly wrong, but to be nasty to Ford i’ll assume 100% maintainance cost over the years, to be really pessimistic.

(Source: Running Mondeos hard as taxis with less than careful drivers – original research again, meh).

So, we have

• Original Cost:      £25,000
• Fuel outlay:         £70,000
• Mainainance:       £25,000

So, a total of  £120,000.

Now, how long will that take?

475,000 miles takes a long time to travel, even on a motorway to space which doesn’t have the perpetual Thelwall Viaduct hold ups on it (a future rant about those is planned). So, assuming an average speed of 50mph, the journey would take 9500 hours.

Assuming a stop every 8 hours would be taken to swap drivers (from a crew of 3 – two who could kip in the back of a Mondeo Estate easily) and add fuel, this would take about 10070 hours. Or 446 days. Or about a year and seven months. By which time the Road Tax and Insurance will need renewing. Claiming that you are in space won’t get you out of paying, so stick another thousand into the pot for good measure.

If you estimate fifteen quid (being overly generous) a day for food and toiletries costs per person, this adds £6,690 * 3, or  to the costs. About twenty grand in my book.

So, in total:

• Food and “stuff”:   £20,000
• Car based costs: £ 121,000

So, for less than £145,000 you can drive a Ford Mondeo Estate from here to the Moon and back,  if you and a couple of associates are committed.

That equates to 4,060 times around the M25, or 272 trips from Land’s End to John O’Groats (and back again).

You will lose a hell of a lot of money, over a year and a half of your lives, all your friends, your jobs, your will to live, and probably your sanity. Then you will be Committed.

If, for some reason, you are interested in such  a project, please do let me know. I’d love to be involved in something so utterly bat-shit insane! I’m not joking!

In contrast, the Apollo 11 Mission cost 355 Million dollars in 1969 (which equates to 1.75 billion in todays terms).

If one needs to take care of a cat, one needs both time and money.

But, as Benjamin Franklin told us, Time is Money. Therefore:

Thus:

In the Bible  (Timothy 6:10), we are told that “the love of money is the root of all evil”, hence:

Which give us:

Or, in other words:

But, as squares and roots cancel each other out…

Hence, without a shadow of a doubt:

So, I’ve proved that Crewe is a Gateway to Hell, and that Cats Are Evil. What obviousity should I try next?

(Tom the Cat owns my sister. He is, sadly, on Facebook. Be his friend.)

Looking the list of Wikipedia,  we can see some interesting trends.

Throughout the 1970s, odd numbered years gave us good songs:

• 1971 – Benny Hill – Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)
• 1973 – Slade – Merry Christmas Everybody
• 1975 – Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody
• 1977 – Wings – Mull of Kintyre
• 1979 – Pink Floyd – Another Brck in the Wall (Part 2)

Whereas the even numbered years gave us unlistenable dross:

• 1972 – Jimmy Osmond – Long Haired Lover From Liverpool
• 1974 – Mud – Lonely This Christmas
• 1976 – Johnny Mathis – When A Child Is Born (Soleado)
• 1978 -  Boney M – Mary’s Boy Child/Oh My Lord

Moving on to the 1980s, only one diamond shines out from the turd bucket of music. The 1981 classic “Don’t You Want Me Baby” by The Human League, which, lest ye forget,  had a video featuring a Preston registered Rover SD1 (which allegedly once belonged to my sister’s neighbour).

The 1990s fare little better, with only the re-release of “Bohemian Rhapsody” (double A-sided with the excellent “These Are They Days Of Our Lives”) soaring high above a sea of arse-gravy. Interestingly (or maybe not), this was the last single I ever bought on vinyl.

Which brings us sadly on to the 21st Century, which has just produced shitbomb after shitbomb after shitbomb.

In some colony, somewhere, a psychic thinks that his home is in danger of imminent destruction. Failing to convince the colony leaders, he flees, despite the guards of the colony, along with his brother and some other like minded people.

The travellers find themselves following the leadership of someone who was formerly considered to be a non-entity. They travel through dangerous territory, with two former warriors as their only protection.

They encounter many hazards, including an apparent Paradise, which soon turns out to be a breeding facility where people are culled and eaten.

The psychic’s visions promise a safe place in which to settle, and the group eventually find their new home, an ideal location to set up their new colony. They are soon reunited with two people from their original home who reveal that the psychic’s vision was true and their home was destroyed.

While the new colony seems idyllic, it is soon realised that there is a shortage of females, thus threatening to one day make the colony untenable.

With the help of an unexpected ally, they locate a nearby colony, which is overcrowded and has a surfeit of females.  A mission is sent to contact the colony.

While waiting for the group to return, oneof the former warriors makes a reconnaissance trip to a second colony.

They discover that there are females at the second colony and, against the advice of the clairvoyant, gather a raiding party to attempt to bring them to them. On the return journey the leader suffers a serious injury. It is a wound that will never truly heal.The leader and his second bring back the tidings to the colony, setting the stage for an adventurous and daring raid. The leader and one of the retired soldiers, along with a group of four others, venture out to the other colony and bring the captives back. They return with two females.

The emissary returns from the first colony and learn that it is a tyrannical police state. The diplomatic party barely return alive. However, the group does manage to identify a female who wants to leave the colony and can recruit others to join. They devise a plan to rescue the group from the colony. The escapees start their new life , but soon an army arrives to attack. Through the bravery and loyalty of one of the retired warriors and the ingenuity of the leader, they prevail. The fate of the enemy leader is not exactly clear, but he is never again seen or heard of.

So… how long did it take you to work out that you were reading an  edited version of “Watership Down”?

Hmmm

Yes, you can now buy a roll of St. George flags for anus wiping.

Who the shitting Science* thought this would be a good idea?

Anyway, get them from play.com, if you really want to.

(The play.com domain name is registered from the island of Jersey. The Admin contact is UK based, but the Tech contact is in France.)

*oh go find the South Park episode.

(See the story at http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2960673/Ghostly-figure-of-a-weeping-girl-in-mirror-of-hotel-room.html)

This little girl gets about a bit. Sometimes she appears in kitchen door glass (http://www.ghostsandstories.com/little-girl-ghost.html).

But this is hardly surprising considering this iPhone App: http://www.appstorehq.com/ghostcapture-iphone-79452/app

But it isn’t just the outrageous fakery that annoys me. Just read the story for all the signs of Sun Bullshit:

• Unidentified guests
• Unidentified spokesman
• Random words in BOLD CAPITALS

Honestly, if they want some made-up bullshit they should contact me. A copy of my CV should proove fictional enough for them.