Just some ropey old photos taken with the new camera phone (more about that later)…
Since I was born, back in 1971, there have been 39 Christmas Number Once Singles. Most have been crap.
Looking the list of Wikipedia, we can see some interesting trends.
Throughout the 1970s, odd numbered years gave us good songs:
Whereas the even numbered years gave us unlistenable dross:
Moving on to the 1980s, only one diamond shines out from the turd bucket of music. The 1981 classic “Don’t You Want Me Baby” by The Human League, which, lest ye forget, had a video featuring a Preston registered Rover SD1 (which allegedly once belonged to my sister’s neighbour).
The 1990s fare little better, with only the re-release of “Bohemian Rhapsody” (double A-sided with the excellent “These Are They Days Of Our Lives”) soaring high above a sea of arse-gravy. Interestingly (or maybe not), this was the last single I ever bought on vinyl.
Which brings us sadly on to the 21st Century, which has just produced shitbomb after shitbomb after shitbomb.
I’ve always wanted a “Flying V” guitar, so when Postman Pat called today I was overjoyed. For about 10 minutes. What he brought was this: a WowWee PaperJamz Guitar, bought from Amazon for £25.99.
The PaperJamz Guitar is essentially a paper thin toy guitar, or at least thats what the marketing bumph says. In reality it is only paper thin if the paper in question is The Mail On Sunday (including all supplements).
The reason for this is simple. Whilst the actual capacitive sensors and sound transducer are paper thin, batteries are not. Plus, it it were paper this, it would flop about like a rabbit’s ears. So its actually about an inch thick at its fattest point.
This particular “guitar” is number 4 in a series of 6. Each one has a different look and is programmed with three songs to strum along to. On this model they are:
For each song, you can either play in “Perfect Play Mode”, where you just bash away at the strumming area to hear the song play, and “Rhythm Mode”, where you have to get the strumming at least vaguely correct. Neither of these are really that interesting.
What is interesting about the thing is the “Freestyle Mode”, which allows you to play your own songs by using the fretboard as a, well, fretboard. While you can’t actually make real chords on it, you can play pre-recorded chord samples by touching parts of the fretboard to select the base chord and modifiers, and strumming the strum area. They even include a handy chord chart to help you:
To sum this up briefly, to get the major chord, starting at E (don’t touch the fretboard), the frets count up FGABCDEFGA. To get a sharpened major, select the appropriate chord and also touch the next fret towards the body of the guitar. To get minor chords, select the base chord and also the fret two places towards the body. Sort of. Note that the frets don’t count up in the usual F F# G G# A etc. manner, and that they are all the same distance apart (a minor niggle – and a pisspoor joke on my part there, if you spotted it).
But, can you actually use this thing to bash out a real tune? Well lets have a look (and play Name That Tune at the same time)…
So there you have it. Its a sort of guitar, but not a really good one. If your could form real chords on it, then it would be a winner. Currently its just an amusing toy. I’m sure a future version will allow proper playing, and when it does I’ll buy one. Cos i’m sad like that.
Once again, I’ve bought a Ukulele. This one came from Amazon and cost me £13.95. Here it is sitting on the horrible sofa, next to one of my older ones. The new one is the purple one on the left.
And quite a lovely little thing it is too. Theres nary a blemish on it’s finish, and it has been holding it’s tuning. This is mainly due to having proper guitar heads with worm-screws, not just the usual tat you seem to find on ukuleles.
I recommend you go and buy one. Now!
Now this post is entitled “Adventures in Ukulele Tuning”, not “Buy this Ukulele and earn me a few pennies”, so what is this tuning business about?
Well, usually a ukulele is tuned GCEA (C tuning) or ADF#B (D tuning), and I already have one for each. This new little purple bugger was bought solely for the purpose of stringing it DGBE (G tuning), in a manner similar to the high four strings of a guitar (you know, the 4 closest to the ground, yet highest in pitch).
It would seem from the outset that new strings are in order, however this is my botch-job workaround:
Take the middle two strings of the current (GCEA) tuning, and re-use them as the top two strings of the new tuning (DGBE). i.e. the C and E strings are now doing service as the B and E strings. The B is sounding a little dull, but it’ll do for now.
Get the old broken nylon-strung acoustic out of the wardrobe. The old G string from that will be pressed into service as the new G string. Sure it sounds a little dull, but it’ll do for now (again).
Finally, take the B string from the old acoustic and use that as the D string.
This will all do as a stop-gap measure until I can be bothered to get off my arse and down to the music shop to buy the proper strings. More to follow, at a later date…
Its a few days early, but here is the promised Half Man Half Biscuit Epiphany Crossword:
(click on the thumbnail to get the full size crossword file)
4. King of the Zulu nation 1872-79
5. Kiddies 1/32 scale slot car racing system
6. Popular variety of food poisoning
9. North Wales town where people go to die
10. River in Norfolk
12. One of those clunky metal horrors that you secure to your steering wheel to deter casual car theft
16. The Blue Island
17. Goth band from Northampton
18. A religious/spiritual retreat
21. Chief fireman of Trumptonshire
22. Nasty golfing problem
24. Town in the Netherlands
27. Former “Brain of Britain” (3,5)
28. Originally the term for a novice seaman
29. An excuse for people to wave their arms about in the name of art/music
30. Soap made by Lever Bros in Port Sunlight
31. Firestation forecourt feeling felt
35. Organisers of the UK National Lottery
36. Jamaican bay
37. Shropshire hill
38. Barbican roof singer
41. Horse racing track in Staffordshire
43. Plastic tunnel sold in garden centres
44. Mag for teeny girlies
45. Shoe polish brand
48. Scouse term for either trousers or underpants or both
49. Well known for having an appallingly large ringlet-type hairstyle (5,3)
1. Spanish keeper in the 80′s and 90′s
2. A god squad rock band
3. 750cc Triumph motorbike
7. Venue in Japan, popular for recording live albums
8. Gene Simmons and his motley crew of rockers with the over-the-top make-up
11. Greyhound track near Wolverhampton
13. A Lake District mountain
14. Sheffield theatre
15. Italian bicycle components
19. Decongestant medicine for catarrh and sinus congestion
20. Expensive and once trendy brand of Italian clothing
23. Unilever’s idea of a replacement for butter and margarine
25. Fish oil and orange vitamin pills
26. Irish folksie singer, used to be with Clannad
32. Christmas day lake swimming in Hyde Park
33. Ostentatious fish (3,4)
34. Fabric conditioner
39. High security mental hospital
40. Hills in Somerset, not too far from Bridgwater
42. Tricycle taxi in India
45. Wealth regarded as a God or an evil influence
46. State benefit cheque
47. A high profile stair lift
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