Tony Blews

Upon merging sites together....

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 01:39:09 +0000

Regular readers (all 2 of you) will have noticed the lack of updates recently.

This does not mean that there are no rubbish cars out there, just that I haven't driven any recently. Mainly through not driving much.

I'm tempted to kill this site off and merge it into my main site (www.tonyblews.co.uk), UNLESS I receive a shed load of begging emails telling me not to do it.

What is the reason for this?

Well, I can't be arsed updating 2 sites instead of one, and I have realised of late that I have no sense of taste whatsoever, and that my judgement in car matters cannot be trusted anymore.

And the reason for the later?

I have entered into negotiations to purchase a.......... Fiat Doblo. Yup. It really is that bad. But worse. It is the very same Doblo pictured in the article that I slagged them off in. What sort of two-faced lying hypocrite am I? Jesus, with a change of heart like that I could almost become the Motoring Editor of The Sun! (Apart from being 3 foot too tall, having too much hair, and not being willing to ooze praise over whatever shite and overpriced wanker-chariot i've been given this week.) I didn't buy it.

And finally (probably)...

Have you ever noticed... How every Audi ever made since the Quattro looks fucking horrible? How the BMW Mini looks like it has Downs Syndrome? How shite the new Focus looks? How 99% of BMW drivers are arogant arseholes?

And my extra final thought...

Surely putting a big-ass boot spoiler of the back of a front wheel drive car is dangerous. The whole point of the "Sierra Wing" is to increase down-force. But to what end? Your front wheels are doing the driving and steering, so why the fuck do you want more down-force at the back? It just increases the under-steer and makes is more likely that you'll end up on your roof in a bus shelter. Hmm. actual proof to follow.

LDV Convoy

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 02:22:24 +0000

Imagine, if you will, that Torquemada and his mates were still alive. Imagine that they'd lived some Highlander style existence, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time when they could enter the cut-throat world of minibus design, when the few who remain battle to the last. Now imagine that they learned some tricks along the way.

Old Torq and his mates ended up working for LDV, that unholy cross-breed of the last working remnants of Leyland (all 3 of them) and DAF. And they were tasked to prolong the life of a vehicle that only ever approach being cool once, and that was when Roger Moore drove it in a Bond film, sometime in the long-long ago.

So, after many minutes of design and testing, they gave us the LDV Convoy. A vehicle based on the Sherpa. I'll reiterate that. A vehicle based on the Sherpa. And again... A vehicle based on the Sherpa.

Here we have a van, or indeed as the one i drove, a minibus, which is so bad.... oh no I have to point this out again... A vehicle based on the Sherpa.

Right, I thing its out of my system now..... oh hang on..... A vehicle based on the Sherpa.

Okay....no... A vehicle based on the Sherpa.

Happy people, not in the van

Damn it.

Anyway. The LDV Convoy is a masterstroke of engineering. The 2.5 normally aspirated Ford diesel engine is married to the most imaginative suspension arrangement ever erm... imagined.

No other large vehicle can quite match the pitching like a tea clipper in a gale feeling you get in a Convoy, whilst also transmitting every tiny bump in the road straight into the base of the driver's spine. Ford would never make something so strange (and it has been pointed out by my mates that I'm such a Ford fan that if you cut me I'd bleed Blue Ovals rather than corpuscles).

But then again, neither Ford, nor VW or Mercedes ever tried to re-make a vehicle which is, lest you forget.......A vehicle based on the Sherpa.

Peugeot 406

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 02:22:21 +0100

Once upon a time, not so long ago, the head of a major European car manufacturer woke up in the morning with a wonderful dream. He'd dreamed of conquering the saloon car market, formerly the realm of the Mondeo, using a combination of engineering expertise and cunning styling.

Ooh-la-la, he thought, we wipe the floor in the small car market, surely we can clean up with beeger cars. Ve vill make eet beeg unt all vill luff us, he thought, strangely confusing his accent for some piss-poor comic effect.

What he's forgotten was that a long long time ago, someone else had gone through the same thought process, although without the needlessly jingoistic and blatantly anti-euro stereotyping.

Back in the before-time, in the long-long-ago, before Moses went hiking, the world was ruled by a small, cute, and above all cheap wee critter. Everyone loved it. It was the darling of the people. And then they made a bigger one.

Give it four doors, the then un-titled demographic people cried, for surely it will be better if you can get all your family in without pissing about with the seating position. Make it with a boot, they said, and make the bonnet longer. And, while we're at it, make it wider, heavier, crapper to drive and above all, more likely to piss green water out on the side of the M6 on a Bank Holiday. And, in a stroke of genius, call it what was the opposite of its predescessor. And make it more expensive.

And thus, they turned a car that everyone loved for its style, handling, style, economy, style and watertightness, and created a car that was the complete opposite.

They had turned the Mini into the Maxi, and inadvertantly invented Morris dancing along the way.

Surely, if Mr. Peugeot had known his automotive history he'd have put his dream down to a bad attack of rancid brie, but no. He pushed and pushed and finally managed to extrude this: The 406.

A car so dull, unimaginative and, quite frankly, pants, that not even the staring role in the French version of "Taxi" could make it seem interesting.

There is a car that has no redeeming features whatsoever.

For a "large" car, the driver's leg room is cramped, to the point of forcing us giants to drive with our feet at a 45 degree angle, thus neatly covering all three pedals with one army-boot. The clever trip computer regularly tells you that you're out of fuel, ten minutes after filling up (in extreme cases, such as the two I've driven recently, the car automatically cuts off the fuel supply to prevent damage to the complex gubbins in the engine. After about twenty five miles. So, either they really do only one mile per three litres, or they are severely fucked).

Handling wise, the 406 wallows like a pissed up cow, and steers like a truculent goat. It accelerates like a sloth and brakes like Gresley's Mallard. I can honestly say that given the choice between having Lawrence Olivier as my dentist and driving a 406 ever again, I'd opt for the Dustin Hoffman option.

And finally, as Sir Trevor says, they look shit.

Honda Civic

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 01:34:02 +0100

Just look at the current generation of European Honda Civic. Do we care that it uses a simpler torsion beam suspension system for the rear wheels compared to the double-wishbone system in the American and Japanese versions? Do we give a toss about the efficient engines, integrated hands-free phone kit and all that other rubbish.

No. All we notice is that they've tried to make it all futuristic and space-age, but have succeeded it making it look shit.

Fiat Doblo

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 01:32:46 +0100

Briefly, this site should be called "Your Van Is Rubbish", as the target for this article is the magnificently styled, and mechanically brilliant Fiat Doblo.

Look at it! If any vehicle could ever be accused of being a ditch-pig, or swamp-donkey, then it's this piece of vile crap.

But, lets not be shallow. Why concentrate on its look, when there are a whole host of other things to bitch about.

Fiat seem to have teamed up with Fisher Price for the dashboard, with the large clunky buttons and large friendly fonts, and somehow fitted most of the controls upside down.

The Doblo betrays its van origins with its abject lack of comfort, and extremely shoddy trim. Be careful not to slam the doors too hard, or the interior panels will fall off.

Now on the the matter of performance.

Right that's that dealt with.

All in all, it's a crock of shit.

Inconsiderate Bastards

Wed, 02 May 2007 01:31:21 +0100

Yes, today i'm foregoing the usual rant against useless cars, and instead having a go at the inconsiderate wankers who either can't read signs, or just feel that they don't need to obey them.

In particular, the lazy, able-bodied, stupid, inconsiderate tossers who think that they can park in disabled bay.

You know who you are, with your shiny 4x4 which has never been further off road that the grass verge outside the school where you take your herd of mewling brats every day. And you, in your people carrier, pretending to have a gammy leg.

I'm now putting these stickers on the windows of cars I spot abusing the disabled parking facilities at ADSA. Hey, I might get banned again.

Skoda Octavia 1.9 Diesel

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 01:19:20 +0100

Skoda were once the butt of all car jokes. Crappy lumps of shite that nobody with half a brain would buy. And then a company with about half a brain bought the entire junkyard they were built in, and things changed. A lot.

Skoda, as we all now know, are owned by Volkswagen - a company, it seems, who have no fucking idea what they are doing.

For example, look back to the Mk I Golf GTi. An absolutely stunning car, and the trend-setter for the Hot Hatch movement. Over the years the turned it into that steaming pile of horse ordure, the Mk V.

Now look at the Mk V GTi. A fat, bulbous lump. Fatter than the winner of Cadbury's Fat Bastard of the Year. Expensive to insure, and not very good. Now, look at a comfortable saloon car built on the Golf V chassis. Now, put a 1.9 turbo diesel engine in it. Now look at the 0-60 times of the Golf-based, diesel powered, saloon car and the Golf MK V GTi. Now look at the cost of each.

Having driven both cars, I can honestly say that the Skoda is more fun. The Octavia handles better that the Golf. It corners better, slides better, accelerates better, ia cheaper and has four doors. And, it looks nicer. See for yourself:

Ugly, nasty, shite

Stylish, refined, slightly cool.

The Octavia wipes the floor with the Golf. How can this happen? What the fuck is going on at Volkswagen?

Vauxhall Zafira

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 01:25:45 +0100

Recently I hired a Zafira by accident. We needed to get seven people from the Midlands down to London, and back. Ideally I would have taken a Ford Torneo.

Alas, that was not to be the case....

Imagine, if you will, that you have been tasked to make a 7 seat people carrier out of a saloon car. Imagine, that you've been asked to make it as uncomfortable as possible. Now imagine that you've been told to make it ugly, too. And, just for good measure, you've be told to give it an engine from a knackered old Cavalier.

Welcome to the new style Vauxhall Zafira 1.6.

For starters, the Zafira is touted as a 7 seater, which it clearly isn't. Sure, it has seven seats, but only one is usable by a normal human. The only way a normal human can fit comfortably into this car is as the front passenger.

The middle-row seats have no leg-room at all. I spent most of our journey with the kneecap of the middle row, middle passenger in my ear, and the knees of the off-side middle halfway up my spine.

And as for the rear set of seats, it was lucky that our group included two dwarfs. Nobody over 5 feet tall could ever use them comfortably. Unless they had detachable legs.

When it comes to the drivers seat, there is no way to describe how uncomfortable it is. I have never before driven a car that made my entire lower body go numb. Not even the Fiat Doblo comes anywhere close.

Performance wise, the Zafira is a complete waste of space. Our testing, admitted whilst fully loaded gave us a 0-60 time of ablout 18 seconds, and a top speed of about 110mph. Woefully shite where compared to a Ford Torneo.

So, you have a slow, ugly, cramped, ultimately shite vehicle, which is in every way more rubbish that a converted plumber's van. Its good to know that Vauxhall are keeping to their standards.

If Vauxhall did more of this, there'd be fewer Zafira on the road

This Vaux-bashing is based on one hire-car, a 1.6 petrol Zafira. If you feel the need to argue with this, please email me. Somehow I don't thing you will.

Citroën Xsara Picasso

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 01:23:39 +0100

In 1999 somebody at Citroën decided that the Xsara was too much like an Escort, and that they needed an MPV. A Multi-Purpose Vehicle.

Somehow, somewhere in the translation process, they got confused and decided to build a car based on the incomprehensible cartoon series Ludwig.

A Picasso, and Ludwig the Egg.

Not only are they ridiculous looking, but they are dangerous.

Recently, my boss bought four of the things. Of those, two have been destroyed. Not crashed. Destroyed.

One of them went into a puddle at 60mph and was catapulted sideways into the Armco on the A34. The driver walked away, be the damage to the car was so extensive that the last rites were adminstered at the scene.

The other car was T-boned at a junction and pushed into someone's garden, where it scratched a Rover 75. Another write-off, and the driver had to be cut out. These days he walks around with the mad, staring eyes of an axe-murderer. But he looked like that anyway.

He never even saw the other car coming. Why? Because the Picasso has a blind spot you could hide a Faun Goliath in. Right where you need it, nestling behind the A-pillar.

Faun Goliath, not hiding in a blind-spot.

Ford Escort Mk V

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 01:27:19 +0100

A few years ago, when I was particulary skint, I bought an Escort MkV.

The only redeeming feature of the car was that it inexplicably caught fire in the middle of the night.

Rubbish Cars, An Introduction

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 01:12:02 +0000

Like most car related blogs, i'm going to rant a lot and tell you that certain vehicles are either a pile of shite, or the best thing since sliced Hovis.

Unlike most car related blogs, i'm restricting myself to cars i've either owned, hired, borrowed, had foisted upon me by work, or merely had the misforture to have been a passenger in.

I'm allowed to rattle on about cars, as I do about 30,000 miles a years, i'm 6'5", educated in Staffordshire, with no dress sense, and I look like i'm trying to smuggle a Beetle down my shirt. And I like The Who. Which, all considered, puts me in a demographic of two. The other one can buy a Vectra every 30 seconds on his wages, should he ever want to, but I couldn't buy one in three years - without the help of a chipmonk faced girl in a life-jacket.

So, sit back, in your beaded bucket seats, and read the ranting of a sad and bitter young man who once made the chronic mistake of learning to drive.