Tony Blews

Calls for Singer to Resign Following Insensitive Lyric

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 20:02:13 +0000

Ofrock, the rock music watchdog, will decide today whether to launch an investigation into a lyric by Fish, the singer of Marillion, about alcohol abuse among railway staff.

The controversial vocalist, real name Derek Dick, made his comment on the 1985 studio album "Misplaced Childhood", in the "Lost Weekend" segment of the song "Bitter Suite".

Bemoaning the plight of the lonely Scottish train worker, Dick sang: “a train sleeps in a siding, the driver guzzles another can of lager”.

Several recent rail incidents have involved working with traces of alcohol in their blood.

This morning the EMI said it had received 2 complaints about the song, with Ofrock also confirming that it had received an unspecified number of calls about the lyric.

The complaints come in the week after the BBC was shaken by the pointless row over obscene phone calls on Radio 2, and the overblown media hype over Jeremy Clarkson's comments about truck drivers on Top Gear.

Alcohol welfare groups said that the remarks were insensitive. A spokeswoman from Scottish Railworkers Union said: "This is a truly heartless comment.”

Hamish McTeagle, director of the YEFEGGER Project, an Edinburgh charity said: “I just think it was highly distasteful and insensitive. Maybe people at EMI should think a bit more before saying some of the things they keep coming out with".

Mr. Dick, who actually left the band in 1987, was unavailable for comment.

The New Commandments

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 04:43:07 +0100

"And the Great One did descend from the mountain, bearing a strange staff,
and looking a lot more like Neptune than he had before.
To the faithful he gave a list of things that should be, and some that should not be.
All who followed his commandments were happy, and those who disobeyed
were cursed with an eternity of non-standard cables and missing driver disks."

Here are what I shall term as the "New Commandments".

There shalt be no other interface than mine - All mobile phones, mp3 players, digital cameras and their like shall use a standard USB connector to interface to a computer, and if applicable as a power supply for charging. Nobody want to have to carry a bag of different adaptors, especially when the likes of Nokia can't decide what size charger you need.
Spread the interface, for the interface is good - All desktop peripherals that use USB (and they all should), must include a built in mini-hub, or at least the ability to daisy chain one device.
Thou shalt not have any graven driver disks - Every USB device that requires special drivers that store them on the device itself in a sort of memory stick ROM. Nothing is more annoying that re-installing your machine an finding that you've misplaced a couple of inportant device drivers.
Honour thy specification, and do it properly - If I want to use my camera as a memory stick, I should be able to do it. It shows up as a removable drive on the PC, so it should bloody well connect to the printer for direct printing.
...seriously, do it properly - if the maximum cable length is 4m, bloody well work on a 4m cable.

Follow those five simple rules, and I won't be forced to visit you with a flensing knife.

Random Email Rubbish 2

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 12:10:40 +0100

It has been a while since I received any truly bizarre emails. Here is today's puzzler:

=====================================================================
From: "Jules Barrera" <EliseogateValenzuela@summitappliance.com>
To: <xxxxxxxxx-xxxx@xxxxxxxxx.co.uk>
Subject: surreal reminiscent
Date: 31 July 2008 07:44

rustproof collateral tumult

mainline tumult often? scriptural, scriptural diacritic.
mainline civic cosmology mainline rustproof inauspicious, collateral
disc crew spume rustproof gate.

collateral diacritic.
=====================================================================

A few of things bother me about this...

What the hell is it all about? Is it some ultra-secret code? Do I need an Enigma Machine to crack it
Is it a warning about something, possibly from aliens, or even "God™"? Maybe some global catastrophe will happen, and I'll have been fore-warned all along. I'll be walking down the street and people will point and stare (more than usual), shouting "He knew! He was told all about this and did nothing! Get the Wicker Man built, we're having a burning!"
How the hell did Space Captain Jules Barrera find out an email address that is supposed only known by my bank? Questions will be asked later today. The Red Hot Needle of Inquiry will be employed.

If you can decode this message, let me know.

Can I have a new spine please?

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:49:07 +0100

For this post I was planning to bang on about other "classic" films from the video stores of our youth, following the Blue Thunder post.

Sadly, I managed to injure myself and have become somewhat self-absorbed in my agony.

However, after finally getting up to A+E I can reveal these vital pieces of information:

Sneezing can result in displaced vertebrae.
Walking with the aforementioned displaced vertabrae is really painful, and at times impossble.
Crutches are not as much help as you would imagine if you suddenly have a spasm and fall over.
Arriva have at least one arsehole for a driver.
Arriva have at least one really lovely driver.
Co-Codamol is a good painkiller.
So is alcohol.
But the two don't mix too well.

So there you are.

Also, having a dump hurts like hell, and arse-wiping is difficult if you can't twist your back or bend over.

Thirty Seven and Counting... Part 2

Mon, 19 May 2008 23:49:01 +0100

I've had quite a nice birthday. Loads of people bought me drinks.

It has only been marred by a wanker in a silver Jaguar XK who decided to sit through a green light, then belt across a crossing on red causing me to go flying and drop my curry.

But thats not important, and this is!

Jon over at Crackerwax has written me a happy birthday song. And here it is:

Thanks Jon, I think.

What do Microsoft and Christians have in common?

Thu, 15 May 2008 12:56:17 +0100

What do Microsoft and Christians have in common?

They've stolen my name.

Exhibit A: The Microsoft Blews Project.

and if that isn't bad enough...

Exhibit B: Blews.Network = 50-state Christian network of city blogs+news

Hmm. And it gets worse... Back in '99 I registered blews.net for 10 years. And some god-botherers have poached it.

How? The hosting company I was with back then went tits-up and I never noticed. Bugger.

Ill-advised Ranty Drunken Post Replaced With a Crap Cartoon

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 02:39:52 +0000

Last night, whilst somewhat innebriated, I posted a shouty rant about something. Upon sober-ish reflection, I decided to replace it with a badly drawn cartoon.
Normal service will be resumed soon. I promise.

I have in my hand a piece of paper

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 02:22:40 +0000

"I have in my hand a piece of paper," famous words, once spoken by Arthur Neville Chamberlain as he got off an aeroplane and announced that there would be "peace in our time".

To quote James Tiberius Kirk, "those words were spoken by me" (apart from the peace/time bit), last time someone telephoned me while I was on the khazi.

But enough of me re-iterating quotes to try and look intelligent, when all can plainly see the joke is based on a 1990 era Viz cartoon, let us get on with this pointless log entry (oh behave).

Not many days ago, I recieved a package containing a copy of my very own ~~rubbish~~ quality book "How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?"

Now, once again, "I have in my hand a piece of paper". And, I'm in the toilet (as that, oddly is where the best lighting in the house is), and i've used my cameraphone to take the picture. _{Feckin' quality
linking that was. Unless anyone noticed the tense-change...}

So here is physical proof of the book...

Hmm. Something is missing, but I can't think what... Oh yeah, the FRIGGING TITLE! Still, at least my name is on it. Anyway, let us look inside.

Actually, i'm quite happy about the whole thing, apart from the cover. Honestly, I spent minutes thinking of that title and might as well have used "Coppulam Eam Est Se Non Posit Acceptera Jocularum". There are a few printing errors that didn't appear in the original version (such as the footer line breakage that i'm pointing to up there), but I'm still happy with it. And I'll be even happier if you click here are buy a copy to feed my nicotine, alcohol and curry habits.

Also, I can now say I am a published author and you are not. And that, in a very small way, makes me better than you.

Stick a fork in the socket, and see how green the power is...

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 02:22:12 +0000

This is a change from the normal rubbish that you might expect to see on this site.

Normally by now you'd be reading some self-deprecating drivel about how my latest animation is a pile of frozen equi-piddle. And then you'd probably watch it just to see how bad it was.

This post is different. This post attempts to make a valid point about the "Green" bandwagon. It will fail, but that is no excuse not to have a damn good rant for a change!

And, as the great Brian Blessed once advised us, "Lead on my brave Hawkmen!"

Over the past few weeks, a number of my associates (they cannot be called friends anymore, as I refuse to be friends with idiots) have become high-and-mighty about changing their electricity supplier to one which, and I quote, "only provides electricity from green and renewable sources". How very noble and fluffy. Tossers.

Have these people had a team of workers outside their houses putting new power lines in? No. Do they realise that they are getting their Watts from the same coal burning/nuclear/hydroelectric mishmash that I am? No. Does one of them think that a special device in the local substation is filtering power so that he only gets the "environment friendly green power" (his quote)? Yes.

Now I'm sorry about this, but it matters not a jot who you think you are paying for the juice to light your bulb. It is all coming from the same grid. Your electricity, just like everyone elses, is generated by either burning fossil fuels, disrupting wave patterns, exploiting Algerian peasants, annoying yokels, the beauty of wind-turbines, or smashing atoms together. (only one of those was false).

You, my candidate for Idiot of the Month, are paying more to power your toaster, merely because your brain is feeble.

Ah, you say, by my energy supplier is planting trees to offset my carbon footprint.

Ah, but I say, give me one shred of proof. A lot of companies say they are planting trees to offset carbon emissions, but i've yet to see any actual evidence. Most companies can't be arsed to answer the phone within ten minutes, never mind plant a tree.

Um. maybe thats it. "All our operators are busy planting trees. Your call is important to us, but not as important as the threat to the planet. You may be sitting in the dark, but Dave is out planting a tree".

The Rovers Return

Sun, 06 Jan 2008 22:14:20 +0000

Apparently one of Britain's most loved pubs is set to close. People are up in arms about this.

Sadly, the public house in question is a fictional one. From a soap. From a crap soap set in a ficticious part of an alleged Manchester.

"Oh," but these people moan, "you can't get rid of the Rovers!"

"Oh," I hope, "you fecking well do!"

I'm sorry, but the sort of sad bastards that campaign to save a fictional pub are the sort of people that should be excluded from our elections. Actually, I'd go so far as to say they should be excluded from the right to breathe.

If these couch-bound halfwits actually turned off their television sets and went out for a drink, maybe they'd realise that the pub trade is dying. And it's all their fault. Pubs are empty because of people sitting at home watching illusionary lives in illusionary pubs. Get out and live the life! Get a life!

You stopped us from smoking in the pub, so now come and drink in the smoke-free atmosphere. Alone, because we are all outside. In the smoking area which you have no right to be in, so just stay out. Ok?

Anyway, there are more important things in life to worry about than the demise of a fictional Manchester pub which somehow defies the laws of space and time (the toilets would actually be in next door's kitchen).

So I hope your Rovers Return becomes a Mexican restuarant, or a Chinese, or flats. It has happened to my local in the past, and I hope it happens to "yours".

Facebook is now as bad as MySpace

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 02:22:17 +0000

I did like Facebook for a while. It seemed like a more sober and sensible version of MySpace. Now look at it.

I do not want to be a vampire. My skin is pasty enough as it is, and I shun sunlight anyway.

I do not want to be a Werewolf. I'm hairy enough right now.

I do not want to have a Poo Fight with you. That is just disgusting.

Why the hell would I want to join a group called "Make Brian Get His Hair Cut"? Maybe I should start a group called "Balding Longhaired Ukulele Playing Ex-Goths With Shite Cameras". No doubt I'd get 732 members within a week.

Ok, so I would like to be a pirate, because I look good in a pirate shirt. But i'm always going to be more Barbossa than Sparrow, so I'll decline that invitation too. Actually, i'm not even cool enough to be Barbossa. I'm not even the fat idiot who hangs about with the bloke from The Office. I'm not even as cool as the monkey.

I'm bored with your likeness quizzes, fed up with that world travelling bear, utterly tits-off with whatever you've written on my wall today, and not only cheesed off, but utterly fondued off with the whole bloody thing.

I'm about 3 microns (because saying "this far" won't work in a typed rant) away from deleting my facebook account. If you want to contact me, use email. Or the phone. Don't frig about using a crappy social networking site that annoys the teeth out of me so much that I will never need to see a dentist ever again.

Oh, by the way... Buy my book... but don't complain if its crap.

Sheer bloody poetry

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 14:59:16 +0100

This weeks spam poetry comes from Rickie Bowers (bcure@1manarmystudios.com), who took time out from trying to sell me a knock-off copy of Photoshop CS3 to offer this wonderful gibberish:

I seek, above all, in the wandering

Sphinx of questioning substance, or a sort

In dense bare branches, or the ubiquitous

Introduction by Vilhjalmur Stefansson

Absurdly, my eyes can only see the arc

Nor, indeed, the bit of paint itself can know of.

Of observation lying on the ground

Are gliding toward me on the ice into

Would their world not remain comfortably

A salamander scuttles across the quiet

Toward . . . that seems to be the whispered question

Standing in the way of the truth. A white

That patch of white at the very end of the road

And up there I cannot tell if it is still

VIII. Russia: The Great Northern Expedition

The road, but not far enough ahead

Against which we have been projected? What . . .

Life, or only joy, that stands out

Toward the still dab of white that oscillates

Genius, sir. Sheer genius.

How come we can't speak monkey?

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 09:58:36 +0100

If the Internet is good for one thing, its good for harnessing the power of nutters. Especially Relegious ones. For example, see this quote:

"There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least."

And thats quite a normal sounding one. Luckily, someone has compiled 100 of the best ones.

And you can find it here: http://duggmirror.com/comedy/100_Greatest_Quotes_from_fundamentalist_christian_chat_rooms/

Jesus H. Christ! This lot have to be American.

Random Email Rubbish

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 08:36:20 +0100

Question. Why to people send gibberish emails to people at random?

Today I received this piece of top quality twaddle....

-------------------------------------------------
From: "Juanita Mclean" ncncoquette@manuwealth.com
To: "tony" tony@coobeastie.co.uk
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 8:38 AM
Subject: chamois chang berwick

austin cockcrow, beltsville commutate  andromeda, comb commendation. collage  dealt diagnoses  bad
daybed abstinent  collaborate. childish  deflater catholic accomplish classification  bribery demystify  buoy
affiliate chert  cunningham cult.  caribbean diode conclude autocratic  complementary combine  archer

-------------------------------------------------

So, what is that all about? She's not trying to sell me anything, offering me a chance to share in the $10,000,000 that she found under a stone, or any of the usual crap. So what is the point? Is it some secret message?

All the words start with A B C or D. So its not a DNA fragment. That would need A C G and T.

Maybe its music? So, after a quick download of MagicScore Classic 5 5.095, and a bit of a play about,I give you this midi file. Listen to it.

Maybe this little tune is the key to universal happiness. I certainly feel more cheerful for hearing it. Thank you, Juanita Mclean, for giving me the secret of happiness. I shall play this tune to people all day, in the hope that they too will be happy, and not punch me in the face for being an annoying blert.

UPDATE!

The ever vigilant(e) Jon of Crackerwax informs me that Ms. MacLean is dead.

So, it seems i'm receiving messages (and possibly tunes) from the dead. Wow. That's a turn up for the books.

If I vanish suddenly, then that tune obviously opens a portal to hell, or something. And here was me secretly hoping that it was the greetings tune to be played to visiting aliens.

Your Car Is Rubbish

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 14:19:18 +0100

Oops. I started this thing a couple of months ago, and forgot to link it from anywhere.

Your Car is Rubbish!