Tony Blews

It has been a while since I received any truly bizarre emails. Here is today's puzzler:

=====================================================================
From: "Jules Barrera" <EliseogateValenzuela@summitappliance.com>
To: <xxxxxxxxx-xxxx@xxxxxxxxx.co.uk>
Subject: surreal reminiscent
Date: 31 July 2008 07:44

rustproof collateral tumult

mainline tumult often? scriptural, scriptural diacritic.
mainline civic cosmology mainline rustproof inauspicious, collateral
disc crew spume rustproof gate.

collateral diacritic.
=====================================================================

A few of things bother me about this...

1. What the hell is it all about? Is it some ultra-secret code? Do I need an Enigma Machine to crack it
2. Is it a warning about something, possibly from aliens, or even "God™"? Maybe some global catastrophe will happen, and I'll have been fore-warned all along. I'll be walking down the street and people will point and stare (more than usual), shouting "He knew! He was told all about this and did nothing! Get the Wicker Man built, we're having a burning!"
3. How the hell did Space Captain Jules Barrera find out an email address that is supposed only known by my bank? Questions will be asked later today. The Red Hot Needle of Inquiry will be employed.

If you can decode this message, let me know.

« Read Less

For this post I was planning to bang on about other "classic" films from the video stores of our youth, following the Blue Thunder post.

Sadly, I managed to injure myself and have become somewhat self-absorbed in my agony.

However, after finally getting up to A+E I can reveal these vital pieces of information:

1. Sneezing can result in displaced vertebrae.
2. Walking with the aforementioned displaced vertabrae is really painful, and at times impossble.
3. Crutches are not as much help as you would imagine if you suddenly have a spasm and fall over.
4. Arriva have at least one arsehole for a driver.
5. Arriva have at least one really lovely driver.
6. Co-Codamol is a good painkiller.
7. So is alcohol.
8. But the two don't mix too well.

So there you are.

Also, having a dump hurts like hell, and arse-wiping is difficult if you can't twist your back or bend over.

« Read Less

I've had quite a nice birthday. Loads of people bought me drinks.

It has only been marred by a wanker in a silver Jaguar XK who decided to sit through a green light, then belt across a crossing on red causing me to go flying and drop my curry.

But thats not important, and this is!

Jon over at Crackerwax has written me a happy birthday song. And here it is:

Thanks Jon, I think.

« Read Less

What do Microsoft and Christians have in common?

They've stolen my name.

Exhibit A: The Microsoft Blews Project.

and if that isn't bad enough...

Exhibit B: Blews.Network = 50-state Christian network of city blogs+news 

Hmm. And it gets worse... Back in '99 I registered blews.net for 10 years. And some god-botherers have poached it.

How? The hosting company I was with back then went tits-up and I never noticed. Bugger.

« Read Less

« Read Less

Not many days ago, I recieved a package containing a copy of my very own rubbish quality book "How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?"

Now, once again, "I have in my hand a piece of paper". And, I'm in the toilet (as that, oddly is where the best lighting in the house is), and i've used my cameraphone to take the picture. _{Feckin' quality linking that was. Unless anyone noticed the tense-change...}

So here is physical proof of the book...

 

Hmm. Something is missing, but I can't think what... Oh yeah, the FRIGGING TITLE! Still, at least my name is on it. Anyway, let us look inside.

.

Actually, i'm quite happy about the whole thing, apart from the cover. Honestly, I spent minutes thinking of that title and might as well have used "Coppulam Eam Est Se Non Posit Acceptera Jocularum". There are a few printing errors that didn't appear in the original version (such as the footer line breakage that i'm pointing to up there), but I'm still happy with it. And I'll be even happier if you click here are buy a copy to feed my nicotine, alcohol and curry habits.

Also, I can now say I am a published author and you are not. And that, in a very small way, makes me better than you.

« Read Less

And, as the great Brian Blessed once advised us, "Lead on my brave Hawkmen!"

Over the past few weeks, a number of my associates (they cannot be called friends anymore, as I refuse to be friends with idiots) have become high-and-mighty about changing their electricity supplier to one which, and I quote, "only provides electricity from green and renewable sources". How very noble and fluffy. Tossers.

Have these people had a team of workers outside their houses putting new power lines in? No. Do they realise that they are getting their Watts from the same coal burning/nuclear/hydroelectric mishmash that I am? No. Does one of them think that a special device in the local substation is filtering power so that he only gets the "environment friendly green power" (his quote)? Yes.

Now I'm sorry about this, but it matters not a jot who you think you are paying for the juice to light your bulb. It is all coming from the same grid. Your electricity, just like everyone elses, is generated by either burning fossil fuels, disrupting wave patterns, exploiting Algerian peasants, annoying yokels, the beauty of wind-turbines, or smashing atoms together. (only one of those was false).

You, my candidate for Idiot of the Month, are paying more to power your toaster, merely because your brain is feeble.

Ah, you say, by my energy supplier is planting trees to offset my carbon footprint.

Ah, but I say, give me one shred of proof. A lot of companies say they are planting trees to offset carbon emissions, but i've yet to see any actual evidence. Most companies can't be arsed to answer the phone within ten minutes, never mind plant a tree.

Um. maybe thats it. "All our operators are busy planting trees. Your call is important to us, but not as important as the threat to the planet. You may be sitting in the dark, but Dave is out planting a tree".

« Read Less

Apparently one of Britain's most loved pubs is set to close. People are up in arms about this.

Sadly, the public house in question is a fictional one. From a soap. From a crap soap set in a ficticious part of an alleged Manchester.

"Oh," but these people moan, "you can't get rid of the Rovers!"

"Oh," I hope, "you fecking well do!"

I'm sorry, but the sort of sad bastards that campaign to save a fictional pub are the sort of people that should be excluded from our elections. Actually, I'd go so far as to say they should be excluded from the right to breathe.

If these couch-bound halfwits actually turned off their television sets and went out for a drink, maybe they'd realise that the pub trade is dying. And it's all their fault. Pubs are empty because of people sitting at home watching illusionary lives in illusionary pubs. Get out and live the life! Get a life!

You stopped us from smoking in the pub, so now come and drink in the smoke-free atmosphere. Alone, because we are all outside. In the smoking area which you have no right to be in, so just stay out. Ok?

Anyway, there are more important things in life to worry about than the demise of a fictional Manchester pub which somehow defies the laws of space and time (the toilets would actually be in next door's kitchen).

So I hope your Rovers Return becomes a Mexican restuarant, or a Chinese, or flats. It has happened to my local in the past, and I hope it happens to "yours".

« Read Less

Why the hell would I want to join a group called "Make Brian Get His Hair Cut"? Maybe I should start a group called "Balding Longhaired Ukulele Playing Ex-Goths With Shite Cameras". No doubt I'd get 732 members within a week.

Ok, so I would like to be a pirate, because I look good in a pirate shirt. But i'm always going to be more Barbossa than Sparrow, so I'll decline that invitation too. Actually, i'm not even cool enough to be Barbossa. I'm not even the fat idiot who hangs about with the bloke from The Office. I'm not even as cool as the monkey.

I'm bored with your likeness quizzes, fed up with that world travelling bear, utterly tits-off with whatever you've written on my wall today, and not only cheesed off, but utterly fondued off with the whole bloody thing.

I'm about 3 microns (because saying "this far" won't work in a typed rant) away from deleting my facebook account. If you want to contact me, use email. Or the phone. Don't frig about using a crappy social networking site that annoys the teeth out of me so much that I will never need to see a dentist ever again.

Oh, by the way... Buy my book... but don't complain if its crap.

« Read Less

This weeks spam poetry comes from Rickie Bowers (bcure@1manarmystudios.com), who took time out from trying to sell me a knock-off copy of Photoshop CS3 to offer this wonderful gibberish:

Genius, sir. Sheer genius.

« Read Less

If the Internet is good for one thing, its good for harnessing the power of nutters. Especially Relegious ones. For example, see this quote:

"There are a lot of things I have concluded to be wrong, without studying them in-depth. Evolution is one of them. The fact that I don't know that much about it does not bother me in the least."

And thats quite a normal sounding one. Luckily, someone has compiled 100 of the best ones.

And you can find it here: http://duggmirror.com/comedy/100_Greatest_Quotes_from_fundamentalist_christian_chat_rooms/ 

Jesus H. Christ! This lot have to be American.

« Read Less

Question. Why to people send gibberish emails to people at random?

Today I received this piece of top quality twaddle....

-------------------------------------------------
From: "Juanita Mclean" ncncoquette@manuwealth.com
To: "tony" tony@coobeastie.co.uk
Sent: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 8:38 AM
Subject: chamois chang berwick

austin cockcrow, beltsville commutate  andromeda, comb commendation. collage  dealt diagnoses  bad
daybed abstinent  collaborate. childish  deflater catholic accomplish classification  bribery demystify  buoy
affiliate chert  cunningham cult.  caribbean diode conclude autocratic  complementary combine  archer

-------------------------------------------------

So, what is that all about? She's not trying to sell me anything, offering me a chance to share in the $10,000,000 that she found under a stone, or any of the usual crap. So what is the point? Is it some secret message?

All the words start with A B C or D. So its not a DNA fragment. That would need A C G and T.

Maybe its music? So, after a quick download of MagicScore Classic 5 5.095, and a bit of a play about,I give you this midi file. Listen to it.

Maybe this little tune is the key to universal happiness. I certainly feel more cheerful for hearing it. Thank you, Juanita Mclean, for giving me the secret of happiness. I shall play this tune to people all day, in the hope that they too will be happy, and not punch me in the face for being an annoying blert.

UPDATE!

The ever vigilant(e) Jon of Crackerwax informs me that Ms. MacLean is dead. 

So, it seems i'm receiving messages (and possibly tunes) from the dead. Wow. That's a turn up for the books.

If I vanish suddenly, then that tune obviously opens a portal to hell, or something. And here was me secretly hoping that it was the greetings tune to be played to visiting aliens.

« Read Less

Oops. I started this thing a couple of months ago, and forgot to link it from anywhere.

Your Car is Rubbish! 

« Read Less