Tony Blews

Having nothing better to do at the moment than lie flat on my back and play on t'internet, i've created this:

Yes, The Half Man Half Biscuit Wiki.

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As part of my continuing mission to undermine the credibility of Facebook,

I present the event "International Talk Like Jeremy Clarkson Day".

April 11th 2009.

Let us see how many people sign up for this...

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I'm bored again, something that happens with frightening regularity. So today, using the brilliantly simple Gift Creator for Facebook, I've bodged up an app that allows you to send weapons to your friends.

Click the pic to go to it (assuming you have an account on farcebook).

This is part of my continuing commitment to undermine the credibility of the damn site, and thus should not be taken serously. Arms dealing is a serious business, and if I had access to a stockpile of firearms, I certainly wouldn't let you have any. Obviously I'd keep them for when the country turns into Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland™, where all have to scavenge for Guzzoline in customised 1970s cars.

That'll be Friday then, fingers crossed.

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After weeks of fanny-ing about trying to decide what to do with it, I've finally redesigned the Shrewsbury Arms website. (Redesigned is far too strong a term, as I just used Thingamablog to bosh the thing together, just like all my sites these days. Hell, if it works, go with it!)

Oh go on, click here!

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Not many days ago, I recieved a package containing a copy of my very own rubbish quality book "How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb?"

Now, once again, "I have in my hand a piece of paper". And, I'm in the toilet (as that, oddly is where the best lighting in the house is), and i've used my cameraphone to take the picture. _{Feckin' quality linking that was. Unless anyone noticed the tense-change...}

So here is physical proof of the book...

 

Hmm. Something is missing, but I can't think what... Oh yeah, the FRIGGING TITLE! Still, at least my name is on it. Anyway, let us look inside.

.

Actually, i'm quite happy about the whole thing, apart from the cover. Honestly, I spent minutes thinking of that title and might as well have used "Coppulam Eam Est Se Non Posit Acceptera Jocularum". There are a few printing errors that didn't appear in the original version (such as the footer line breakage that i'm pointing to up there), but I'm still happy with it. And I'll be even happier if you click here are buy a copy to feed my nicotine, alcohol and curry habits.

Also, I can now say I am a published author and you are not. And that, in a very small way, makes me better than you.

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Ideally, I'd like a 110 Hard-top, but i'm really not fussy.

So, why would I want such a vehicle?

The Defender is big, ugly, thirsty, noisy, and desperately un-cool. Much like myself. Question answered.

In a world where the Volkswagen Kombi has become the epitomy of cool, I'd rather drive around in something that actually "does what it says on the tin". Seriously, I've always loved the Landrover as not only a style icon, but a bloody good four-by-four. The Defender must be the only currently available vehicle, over ten years old, that carries any of the spirit of its original incarnation. Plus, if the British Army can't kill them, no-one can.

This is where you come in.

I would like you to contribute to my fund for buying a Defender. I work in a very low-wage job, but i'm saving up for one. I came up with the idea of this site after seeing hundreds of begging sites over the years, but i'm not begging.

No. Seriously, I'm not.

I am willing to display the name (and web address) of any contributor somewhere on the vehicle for a minimum of two years. Obviously the size of the donation would correspond to the size, and location, of the placement. For example, £500 might get you an entire door, £300 for a front wing, or £25 for a 6"x3" block somewhere on the bodywork. The bumpers are already accounted for.

Think of this as an advertising opportunity. Be part of the "Internet Defender Project". Once I have the vehicle, i'll set up a website thanking everyone involved, which will run for two years. How cool would it be to be part of this?

At the moment i'm just canvassing for pledges, to see if this project will pan out.

You can contact me at defender@tonyblews.co.uk to ask any questions, or offer money. I'll set up a paypal account soon.

If you are involved in a company which sells Ex-MOD LR kit, you could offer me a big discount!

If you are an owners club or magazine, you could give me some free publicity. the website address is www.iwantadefender.co.nr, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Occasional table visitor Jon has drawn my attention to this, the Indoor/Outdoor Smoking Helmet, believing it to be a device I first suggested back in 1996 when we had to share an office.

Close, Jon, but no cigar. Mainly as you don't smoke. This odd device seems to be an attempt to let you smoke outside in relative comfort. That was not my plan. I envisaged a contraption that would allow me to sit at my desk and smoke, with all the smoke being directed via pipes and vents and the like, to the great outdoors. To clarify my plan I must now fall back on the last weapon of failed inventors everywhere... The crudely drawn childish cartoon...

I hope this has cleared up any confusion. I will continue to work on the design for my device, as testing has shown a number of flaws. Suffocation being the main one.

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For those of you too tight to shell out a few quid for the Goth Jokes book (available here), I've made a short animation of one of the lower quality jokes. This time i'm using Moviestorm, the beta version of which is free. Oh, and some speech synthesis software was used too.

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I recently found this link on Slashdot. Some muppet tried to make a WAP client for a VIC 20. Oh, it was me.

The link to the site from Slashdot is broken, but via the magic of keeping archives of all my old stuff, I can bring it back.

So click here to see it in all its lack of glory. 

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So, what can I do with this tacky oriental toy? What purpose can it be put to?

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