Tony Blews

Victory on the Shropshire Union

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 23:57:40 +0100

Tuesday saw us taking a nine mile trip on a large, slow moving, difficult to steer vehicle with limited stopping ability. However, once we got to Norbury Wharf, we left the LDV Convoy behind, and boarded our hire boat, The Victory.

(Clicking on any photos will take you to the Flickr gallery)

The Victory is a 32ft narrowboat, built in 2005. It's a day hire boat which will take 10 people. It cost us £120 for the day (0900-1730), plus a deposit of £80, which remarkably we got back. (You can get it for £100 for a weekday, but we paid for an extra hour on the grounds that we really had no idea what we were doing, and were therefore probably going to be late back)

Upon this epic voyage went myself, Steve, Big Debbie, Little Debbie, Trudy, Alan, Dave, Mel Back Sheep, Handleman Jeff and Kev the Cowboy. The sum total of our previous experience can be summed up like this: I'd been on a boat about 25 years ago, and Jeff fell into the canal when he was a kid... about sixty years ago.

After the 10 minute explanation of what to do (to go right, push left, and let others pass on your left/port side) and what not to do (no going to fast, no mooring on the non-towpath side, no acts of piracy without a privateer's license issued by The Queen), we set off in the direction of Gnosall, accompanied by a man who made sure I didn't ram any of the expensive boats nearby.

Soon he jumped overboard (on to the path) and let us get on with it.

The plan was to head south to Gnosall, grab some food from The Navigation, then continue out to the Hartley Arms at Wheaton Aston. However our plans were scuppered by The Navigation not being open, despite a sign on a previous bridge advertising breakfasts from half past seven. (We later learned that the sign had been put up by a previous landlord, and that nobody had bothered to remove it. Debbie offered to do it and was told she could have the sign. In the end, we couldn't be bothered either.) So, after the comedy act that was our attempt at mooring (we really should have videoed this), we had to set off again. Nobody fell in at this point, so we'll count it as a success.

Now on to bridges.... Well, the bridges on this stretch of the Shropshire Union Canal are narrow, with only about nine inches of clearance on each side (it might seem a huge gap to some, but remember: I have no idea what I'm doing), and the front of the boat has a whopping blind spot (where all the people sit) at the front. My plan to avoid a massive collision was to get a lookout to tell me how much space I had on each side. It was a plan so simple that the only way it could possibly fail would be if someone shouted, "Lets touch the bridge wall!" causing everyone to leap to one side, the boat to lean over and shift in the water. So.... clonk.

It was a bloody miserable day, but as much of the route is either heavily wooded, or in a cutting, or both, the wild didn't bother us that much. In places it can be very gloomy, with the trees hanging overhead. This is an excellent opportunity to try to hit someone withe a tree. I know its irresponsible and childish, but so am I.

Steve commented that we really needed some music, either something that Martin Sheen would be listening to whilst heading up river to see Colonel Kurtz, or Dueling Banjos Five minutes later we saw a local with a shotgun sitting on a bench by Rye Hill Cutting Bridge. He seemed cheerful, and we didn't get bum-raped, which was nice.

I had been given the impression that canal boaters could be a miserable lot, always shouting at hire boat people and considering them the scum of the earth, but pretty much everyone we saw was friendly enough. An example of this is the nice couple on the light blue boat Almeida (possibly Almeira - I was a bit busy to note the correct name) who didn't get annoyed even when we nearly rammed them whilst avoiding another boat. They were very helpful, even though they described day boats as "mobile chicanes", a term I reserve for old people in Rover 75s, possibly wearing hats, with tartan blankets on the back shelves, on Sundays.

The only people who did get arsey with us were a couple in a ramshackle boat that look like a half collapsed garden shed. They seemed to think that the top speed we could do (as limited by a whacking great bolt blocking the accelerator), and my slowing down to avoid hitting bridges (see above) were impeding their progress. After I let them pass, they shot off at about twice our speed shouting something about their engine cutting out if they went too slow. Great.

Anyway... Wheaton Aston is a nice little village, and the Hartley Arms is a nice pub, but this isn't about pubs.

Turning the boat round was a piece of cake, and the return run was much like the first leg, apart from one incident. Little Debbie had a go at steering, and within a minute forgot about the tiller going to the left to steer right. Making matters worse, she'd somehow managed to be standing behind the tiller arm, so as I tried to avoid crunching into the bank she very nearly went into the water (and the whirly blades of death). Luckily she didn't and we bounced lightly off the bank (sort of).

Other minor irritating incidents: Debbie arsing about on the roof and nearly dropping the lifebelt in the water, Debbie nearly losing the wooden pole pretending to punt, Debbie using the boathook to try and snag trees (nearly decapitating Mel), people trying to see how far over the boat would tip (quite a way).

This post is getting too long, so here's the end...

We got back to Norbury at about 5pm, gave the boat back and set of for the pub. Perfect timing. The heavens opened, and the Junction Inn's carpark flooded in about fifteen minutes.

If theres one problem with this trip, its this: I now have an expensive hobby. At £100 a time this is going to cost me a fortune.

Shock Photo of Tony With a Bird on His Arm

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 01:05:20 +0100

These days it is very rare to find me with a bird on my arm. Mainly because i'm fat, old, grey haired and ugly.

This is about the best bird I can get to come anywhere near me.

The Shrewsbury Arms Site has been re-made

Sat, 03 May 2008 01:30:59 +0100

After weeks of fanny-ing about trying to decide what to do with it, I've finally redesigned the Shrewsbury Arms website. (Redesigned is far too strong a term, as I just used Thingamablog to bosh the thing together, just like all my sites these days. Hell, if it works, go with it!)

Oh go on, click here!

The Shrew (Where Everybody Knows Your Name)

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 18:32:22 +0000

Here comes another hastily put togother video. This time its a version of the Cheers title sequence, but featuring the folks from The Shrewsbury Arms in Stafford.

Cobbled together by myself, with photographs supplied by Alf Jackson, and some old ones from the Staffordshire Past Track website. Gary Cartwright gave my the idea for this last week, and frankly I'm amazed that I could be bothered to get it done, considering i'm such a lazy oaf.

"Theme from Cheers (Where Everybody Knows Your Name)". Words and Music by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo. Performed by Gary Portnoy. Earthtone Recording, Inc.

Another design by me

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 00:14:08 +0000

Once again i've designed something, but for a change its been for someone else, and its become real.

I present the Beer Clip for the Shrewsbury Arms.

The Butt Pouch

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 00:21:16 +0000

So its time to do a review of something.

Imagine that you smoke, and that you're now exiled to standing in the street outside the pub whenever you want a fag. Great. And it gets better. You can't throw you dog end into the gutter anymore, as that is littering. What you need is some device that you can bung the smouldering dog-ends into, and save them until you can find a handy bin.

Sounds like you need a Butt Pouch.

This handy little pocket sized thingy is lined with foil to conduct heat away from the errant embers and cool them down. It also seals nearly airtight, thus depriving the nub of the needed oxygen.

Marvellous. Where can you get one? Well, either you friendly local boozer is giving them away, or try www.buttsandgum.com.

Oh, and if you're feeling particularly pikey, you can save the dogs and re-roll them later.

The Shrewsbury Arms Website

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 01:14:44 +0000

After nearly a year of idleness, procrastination, forgetfulness and down right lack of inspiration, I've finally managed to get round to bodging up the long promised Shrewsbury Arms website. No longer will www.shrewsbury-arms.co.uk direct you to a pisspoor myspace page (which will be deleted very soon).

Now you can revel in the poorly designed equivalent of a spanner in the gas turbine of the internet that is The Shrewsbury Arms Website. Christ, with a hard sell like that, I should go in to advertising.

I'd like to go into advertising, but only if armed with a machine gun.... Anyway, click on the nice picture of the nice pub...

Fake Model Stuff 3 - The Lord Nelson

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 09:48:39 +0100

Another pub I use. The Lord Nelson.

Fake Model Stuff 2: The Shrewsbury Arms

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 01:12:46 +0100

One of my two local boozers, The Shrewsbury Arms .

Come On Baby, Light My Fire

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 10:54:29 +0100

Appearance in the B3ta email 04 AUG 2006
Inadvisable lighter trick
"Having read in your worthy missive that disposing of batteries by fire is not very impressive," writes Tony Blews, "We decided (instead) to cast our communal lighter unto the flames. And film it."
Yup, that looks more impressive. But don't blame us, Tony. You were clearly drunk and reckless.

Charlie Don't Surf II

Fri, 25 Feb 2000 23:48:49 +0000

Another trip to deepest, darkest Wales.

Click here

Charlie Don't Surf

Mon, 06 Jun 1994 23:58:17 +0100

The date on this one is pure conjecture, but it seems about right.

Drunken arseoles in Wales: Charlie Don't Surf!