Tony Blews

Having nothing better to do at the moment than lie flat on my back and play on t'internet, i've created this:

Yes, The Half Man Half Biscuit Wiki.

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For this post I was planning to bang on about other "classic" films from the video stores of our youth, following the Blue Thunder post.

Sadly, I managed to injure myself and have become somewhat self-absorbed in my agony.

However, after finally getting up to A+E I can reveal these vital pieces of information:

1. Sneezing can result in displaced vertebrae.
2. Walking with the aforementioned displaced vertabrae is really painful, and at times impossble.
3. Crutches are not as much help as you would imagine if you suddenly have a spasm and fall over.
4. Arriva have at least one arsehole for a driver.
5. Arriva have at least one really lovely driver.
6. Co-Codamol is a good painkiller.
7. So is alcohol.
8. But the two don't mix too well.

So there you are.

Also, having a dump hurts like hell, and arse-wiping is difficult if you can't twist your back or bend over.

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As part of my continuing mission to undermine the credibility of Facebook,

I present the event "International Talk Like Jeremy Clarkson Day".

April 11th 2009.

Let us see how many people sign up for this...

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Firstly we have the Gandalf on Abbey Road / You Shall Not Pass shirt.

Click here to order one. I promise you won't look as fat as me*
(*This is not a promise)

And secondly, we have the Keep On Staring (it makes you look like a) Moron shirt.

Order one here. You probably won't look like a Gumby.

If enough people as stupid nice enough to buy shirts like these, I could afford a decent camera. And possibly my rent.

Go on, you know it makes nonesense!

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Hurrah! One of my T Shirts arrived today. The "Thinking Ban" one:

Great, eh?

I got it from Vistaprint on a rush order (I was a bit drunk) but if you want one, then I'm afraid you'll have to go through Cafepress.

Vistaprint are good, fast, and cheap. Plus they seem to have a special offer every day. If you're lucky, you can get a hell of a lot of stuff for free and just pay the postage. Thats what I did.

I'm sorry about the picture of the fat, grumpy looking bloke modelling the shirt, but that is me.

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I've had quite a nice birthday. Loads of people bought me drinks.

It has only been marred by a wanker in a silver Jaguar XK who decided to sit through a green light, then belt across a crossing on red causing me to go flying and drop my curry.

But thats not important, and this is!

Jon over at Crackerwax has written me a happy birthday song. And here it is:

Thanks Jon, I think.

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Today will be just like yesterday, but with more people buying me drinks and me getting more arsey (I'm generally on an arsey-ness level of 4/10. Thats like DEFCON 3 but without nukes, or in the parlance something like "CLENCHED FIST").

Anyway...

My lovely (if somewhat distanced - I live in the Midlands, they live in the North West) family sent me some nice cards.

Aw. Just like the envelope on the card I sent her.

"Mum said your hair looked like this" - Thanks Cath, really. I had ringlets for 3 days, which you never saw. I was trying to forget the time I looked like (The Lord Our God) Brian May.

Cards, Yay!

I photographed these against my home-made green-screen, and I've just noticed that my camera is set up wrong.

Sadly i'm too drunk to do it all again.

Notice to Catherine: Your "To my Brother" card claims that I have it all: This is patently rubbish.

• Style: Um, no. Ancient T-shirts, grey denims and George shirts are not stylish. Even Clarkson is more stylish than me.
• Good Looks: Ok, so I appreciate that you have the same genetic roots as myself and thus can't say that i'm ugly without tarring yourself as a swamp-donkey or sea-monster, but really, be honest.
• Charm: Hmm. I think its obvious that I'm as charming as a scorpion pit. Or Stoke.
• Wit: Yes, I am witty. And sarcastic. And abrasive. I don't mean to sound cruel, heartless and nasty, but I am, so that's just how it comes out.
• Coolness: No I am not cool. Nearly all my clothes are black, an my haircut is approaching that of Terry Nutkin's. I cannot be cool. I do, however, wear a 50s style bike jacket and get called by a called by a contraction of my surname (Blue), just like The Fonz. And Arthur Fonzerelli was cool, so I must be too! Actually, the only things that would make me more cool would be a narrowboat and a Land Rover (sublte hints).

I do not have it all, but in the words of Mercury, May, Deacon and Meddows-Taylor, "I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, And I want it now!"

Finally, I'd like to say "Hello, I'm still alive!" to Doctor Patel, who in 1995 (when I was 24) quoted "Torch Song" by Marillion in telling me that if I maintained my lifestyle, I wouldn't reach 30. In your face! (I'll probably have a heart attack tomorrow).

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After weeks of fanny-ing about trying to decide what to do with it, I've finally redesigned the Shrewsbury Arms website. (Redesigned is far too strong a term, as I just used Thingamablog to bosh the thing together, just like all my sites these days. Hell, if it works, go with it!)

Oh go on, click here!

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Once again i've designed something, but for a change its been for someone else, and its become real.

I present the Beer Clip for the Shrewsbury Arms.

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Why the hell would I want to join a group called "Make Brian Get His Hair Cut"? Maybe I should start a group called "Balding Longhaired Ukulele Playing Ex-Goths With Shite Cameras". No doubt I'd get 732 members within a week.

Ok, so I would like to be a pirate, because I look good in a pirate shirt. But i'm always going to be more Barbossa than Sparrow, so I'll decline that invitation too. Actually, i'm not even cool enough to be Barbossa. I'm not even the fat idiot who hangs about with the bloke from The Office. I'm not even as cool as the monkey.

I'm bored with your likeness quizzes, fed up with that world travelling bear, utterly tits-off with whatever you've written on my wall today, and not only cheesed off, but utterly fondued off with the whole bloody thing.

I'm about 3 microns (because saying "this far" won't work in a typed rant) away from deleting my facebook account. If you want to contact me, use email. Or the phone. Don't frig about using a crappy social networking site that annoys the teeth out of me so much that I will never need to see a dentist ever again.

Oh, by the way... Buy my book... but don't complain if its crap.

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After nearly a year of idleness, procrastination, forgetfulness and down right lack of inspiration, I've finally managed to get round to bodging up the long promised Shrewsbury Arms website. No longer will www.shrewsbury-arms.co.uk direct you to a pisspoor myspace page (which will be deleted very soon).

Now you can revel in the poorly designed equivalent of a spanner in the gas turbine of the internet that is The Shrewsbury Arms Website. Christ, with a hard sell like that, I should go in to advertising.

I'd like to go into advertising, but only if armed with a machine gun.... Anyway, click on the nice picture of the nice pub...

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Holy shuddering crap, whats this? The Blews has finally finished the often talked about book!

Yes the amazing "How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb?", 40 pages of rib-tickling gothy mirth, is available now from lulu.com.

Just click on the cover image below, and part with your money. Its only £3.99 (plus P+P), and the 76p I make from each copy is all that stands between me and an empty glass. Buy 3 copies and I can afford a full pint!

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Oh look, no updates for ages. Why could that be?

It's because my connection has packed in.

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Having just checked the little map thing down there on the left, I'd like to welcome visitors from the following countries (please forgive me if I get this wrong as the map isn't too clear in one or two cases....)

Austrailia, Denmark, Eire, Israel, New Zealand, Norway, Sweden and the good old USA.

If you're reading this and not from the UK, please email me and tell me your opinion of my ill thought out ramblings. The address is   (do NOT click on that, and don't email bucket@tonyblews.co.uk either, unless you really want... no, just don't, ok?)

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A very long time ago, I ran a site at www.villains.co.uk. Now, I've dusted it off, uploaded it once more, and parked it at www.villains.co.nr.

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