July 2008

It has been a while since I received any truly bizarre emails. Here is today's puzzler:

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From: "Jules Barrera" <EliseogateValenzuela@summitappliance.com>
To: <xxxxxxxxx-xxxx@xxxxxxxxx.co.uk>
Subject: surreal reminiscent
Date: 31 July 2008 07:44

rustproof collateral tumult

mainline tumult often? scriptural, scriptural diacritic.
mainline civic cosmology mainline rustproof inauspicious, collateral
disc crew spume rustproof gate.

collateral diacritic.
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A few of things bother me about this...

1. What the hell is it all about? Is it some ultra-secret code? Do I need an Enigma Machine to crack it
2. Is it a warning about something, possibly from aliens, or even "God™"? Maybe some global catastrophe will happen, and I'll have been fore-warned all along. I'll be walking down the street and people will point and stare (more than usual), shouting "He knew! He was told all about this and did nothing! Get the Wicker Man built, we're having a burning!"
3. How the hell did Space Captain Jules Barrera find out an email address that is supposed only known by my bank? Questions will be asked later today. The Red Hot Needle of Inquiry will be employed.

If you can decode this message, let me know.

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Lets have some pictures.... of my little instrument (oh behave).....

.....and in comparison take a look at these pictures.

Could they be the same thing? I don't really care about the antiqueness... I just want the thing done right.

Now I'm led to believe by the internet that I should steel string this little beauty, but i'm too chicken to try it. It doesn't seem to be braced enough to handle the stress, and I don't want to wreck it.

So, after much pissing about and nicking strings from my various other guitars, I've strung it with nylon.

And it sounds like this: (listen)

Note please that i'm shitfaced, I've lost my tuner somewhere, and I haven't quite sorted out the right strings... still, I like it!

(Oh, and it was Am and G).

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Having nothing better to do at the moment than lie flat on my back and play on t'internet, i've created this:

Yes, The Half Man Half Biscuit Wiki.

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For this post I was planning to bang on about other "classic" films from the video stores of our youth, following the Blue Thunder post.

Sadly, I managed to injure myself and have become somewhat self-absorbed in my agony.

However, after finally getting up to A+E I can reveal these vital pieces of information:

1. Sneezing can result in displaced vertebrae.
2. Walking with the aforementioned displaced vertabrae is really painful, and at times impossble.
3. Crutches are not as much help as you would imagine if you suddenly have a spasm and fall over.
4. Arriva have at least one arsehole for a driver.
5. Arriva have at least one really lovely driver.
6. Co-Codamol is a good painkiller.
7. So is alcohol.
8. But the two don't mix too well.

So there you are.

Also, having a dump hurts like hell, and arse-wiping is difficult if you can't twist your back or bend over.

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Blue Thunder

The classic 1983 film about a combat helicopter adapted for law enforcement, starring the aforementioned shark killer, Malcolm "ultra-violence" McDowell and Daniel "easily defeated by a child" Stern.

Blue Thunder and its spin-off TV series pre-dated the other helicopter show Airwolf, which was, frankly, rubbish.

The movie itself was one of the films that I used to get from the video shop all the time as a kid, mainly because they had a crap selection of films. Its so rare for it to be shown on TV, that I had to post about it. Thanks Five US!

If you don't remember it... watch the trailer...

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As part of my continuing mission to undermine the credibility of Facebook,

I present the event "International Talk Like Jeremy Clarkson Day".

April 11th 2009.

Let us see how many people sign up for this...

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These days it is very rare to find me with a bird on my arm. Mainly because i'm fat, old, grey haired and ugly.

This is about the best bird I can get to come anywhere near me.

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