Tony Blews

I have made no secret of my hatred of the Citroën Picasso. I feel it is not only an ugly car, but a dangerous one too.  Hence my surprise when Citroën started sending me publicity rubbish through the post, and then this email:

Subject: Book A Test Drive Now!

To celebrate with us, hurry to your nearest Citroën dealer and find out how we’re continuing to inspire and delight discerning motorists with our award-winning range and take advantage of 0% APR typical finance* on the Citroën C4 Picasso, Grand C4 Picasso, new C3 Picasso and the C5.  You can now purchase any Citroën with an extra £2000 off using the government scrappage scheme.

As I would rather push a Ford than drive a Citroën, I shall be declining your offer.

roëne

Hey Fatty, do you want to lose up to a stone and a half in a week? All while lying around the house doing nothing? Yes? Well this is the scheme for you!

Just look at the bonuses:

• Take a week off work (paid if you’re lucky)
• Have nothing to do but lie around and watch the Sharpe series so many times you can memorise every bloody episode
• Save money – live on nothing but anti-viral drugs, Beecham’s Powders and Lockets
• Have some really groovy hallucinations

All you need to do is combine Pandemic H1N1 with a common chest infection and all this can be yours.

(Caution, may also cause extensive hair loss!)